Show and Tell: This Little Light of Mine

Hi.

I exist

to show how great GOD is.

…

It’s been my experience as a woman, that nothing makes you reevaluate who you are—your identity, your purpose, your abilities, etc.—more than having a child.

I’ve experienced that sober, if not overly critical, reevaluation twice over now.

The first time was two years ago, several months after Malachi was born. (You can read his birth story here). And the second time has been in these last few weeks since Micaiah’s birth. (Her home water birth story is coming soon).

I think part of this reevaluation phase I go into stems from hoping that when Malachi and Micaiah are old enough, I will make them as proud of me, as I’m prayerfully confident I will be of them.

Maybe it’s clichè to hear a millennial mother say she feels as though she loses her sense of identity, if only for a time. Clichè or not, it’s not far fetched.

Losing your sense of identity is not the same as losing your identity. You still have an identity, it’s just in those times, when you’ve lost your sense of it, you’re not in touch with the things that make you, you—apart from your roles and titles.

With Malachi I definitely went through a period where I could not tell Cara-Marie apart from the roles I was filling as wife and mother. I was totally out of touch with what I needed and desired. Most of the time I felt reduced to an unkempt milk machine. Being a wife and mother consumed my day-to-day life. I had very little interaction outside of my little human who depended on me for everything, and I felt left out, overwhelmed and guilty for all those feelings and for desiring fulfillment apart from those titles, which I initially took on with great joy.

With Micaiah, the reevaluation phase was different. Thankfully, it was also short lived.

Even before Micaiah was born I decided I would do a better job of taking a moment for myself, as often as possible, even if it was only a scoop of ice cream, or an extra long, extra hot shower.

I didn’t expect to feel the need to reevaluate, but it crept up on me quickly and somehow I still felt like I was missing the mark…

…

It’s been just about two years since I’ve written regularly and posted to this blog. I stepped away not because I couldn’t make the time to write, (although that is what I told myself) but because I didn’t know what to write about.

Write about my “I-need-to-get-it-together” life? No, thank you.

In a time of picture-perfect, content creator, social media influencer Instagram profiles, where would I fit in any way? My day to day is far from picture-perfect.

To even attempt to make it look that way would be exhausting, which would only add to the exhaustion from my real life. (#AintNobodyGotTimeForThat literally.)

I convinced myself that maybe once I got it all together, I would start writing again, because then I would have something to offer:

“Hey, I got my life together, let me help you get yours together.”

The only problem was, I felt like I would never get it all together.

How long would I have to hide? Indefinitely.

Then one night, I came across the first two sentences of this post in my Facebook bio section, I’d written it when I first joined Facebook, all those years ago.

The light bulb went off.

I was flooded with relief. There was no need to reevaluate my identity. That is who I am at my core.

A person who exists to show how great GOD is.

GOD used me, through my own words, to remind me of who I am.

I was so grateful that He didn’t leave me wandering around in this “Who am I?” limbo. I decided then to make a commitment to him:

I would stop hiding.

I wouldn’t wait until I “got it together” to show people how great HE is. I would let them see His greatness in the midst of, and in spite of, me and my attempts at “figuring it out.”

I would take every opportunity given me to SHOW the process, to SHOW my faith at work, and to TELL of His greatness, without delay.

“No one lights a lamp and covers it with a bowl or puts it under a bed. Instead, it is put on the lampstand, so that people will see the light as they come in.” - Jesus in Luke 8:16 GNT

Photo by Moody Walk

GOD didn’t make us lights in the world (Philippians 2:15) for us to go and hide ourselves.

So I will Show and Tell using this little light of mine.

We’re all figuring it out. And if GOD only acted on our behalf once we had it figured out, we would think we don’t need Him, and it wouldn’t be grace—favor that is undeserved.

Here’s one last verse to encourage us—

“…let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” - Jesus in Matthew 5:16

Neighbor, shed the labels you’ve taken on and stop hiding. Keep shining! This dark world needs you.