Staying the Course.
I started a new blog. You should definitely take a gander -
whowillgoiwillgosendme.wordpress.com
While that new blog is certainly where all the action seems to be these days, I will not neglect this one.
This blog has allowed me to cope. It's been a diary of sorts.
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I'm in a transitioning phase. Yes, again. If you know me, you'll know I find myself in transitional phases quite often. What can I say? *shrugs*
This transition in particular is probably more important than most. And that's what makes it all the more difficult...
It's about forward movement. The irony is that in moving forward I have to revert back to my true self -
The brilliant, excellent, ultra bubbly, super sensitive, open and outspoken, courageous (or else crazy) girl that loved no one better than her best friend and lover Jesus. Yeap. Once upon a time that was the definition of how I could be described.
Through a series of events whether fortunate or unfortunate I allowed that descriptive definition to change.
I burst all the bubbles. I decided being sensitive was for the birds. I became reserved and withdrawn. And I certainly did not care to be brave or courageous. And while I thought I loved Jesus (and maybe I did) I no longer loved Him best and most of all. The feelings I feigned and my personal agenda took His place.
A change in one's core self, (the original self given to us by God) comes as a result of many things. Namely dismissing what God has said about us and tuning in to all the other things vying for our ear and our love and attention.
The real me is still present it has just cumbered down with a load of guck. I'm talking layers and layers and layers of the stuff! So now God is in the process of removing that and renewing my mind and my perception and it's really quite uncomfortable. At times I struggle to believe that the real me still exists sometimes it seems like that can't possibly be the real me anymore. But GOD daily affirms that the Cara-Marie He created is still there and that is who I really am and so instead of struggling anymore I simply choose to believe Him.
Trusting God. Faith. Walking in your God-ordained purpose. That takes work. It is difficult. At least at first.
For the lazy person, or the one that simply can't and won't be bothered it's so much easier to just cop out and go through the motions and settle.
By the grace of God, I refuse to settle!
There are some great opportunities on the horizon that most people think I'm leaping to. But not so.
Truth is, right now I'm am so, so, SO tempted to just wrap it on up (life here in GA) and go back to S. Florida. No one other than God can understand the depth of that temptation. But seriously in Florida I would have my family and some of my closest friends. I would be able to marry a good guy and decent man in no time. One that I could like well enough and that my father would easily approve of. I could even have that man's children. Everybody loves a baby right??? I could live (what for me would be) a mediocre life and would not have to put too much thought into my existence. And sure maybe I could move back to GA or go some other place with my neatly packaged family but the bottom line is I would simply be going through the motions until the day I die. I would know I settled and agreed to mediocrity. And though I would life daily with frustration and regret at that point there would be no turning back. That's the price I would have to pay for choosing security and comfort over the unknown.
Georgia can be lonely. Georgia can even hurt. But this is my home now. At least until God says differently. *sings* I won't go back, I can't go back to the way it used to be, before Your presence came and changed me...
Going back to S. Florida would mean so much more than going back to a loving family, with the promise of comfort, security, and familiar faces. Going back now would mean not trusting God enough to go through this process, no matter how painful. It would mean settling. It would mean going the easy route and consciously choosing mediocrity. Jesus taught me to persevere through His example and with the example of others I have been blessed to come in contact with; particularly, two amazing and resilient souls, Kaiya Castillo and Joyia Kelly.Turning back now, going back now, is simply not an option no matter how great the temptation.
Life is tough. Be tougher-
As my skin thickens my heart softens. Only God can do that!!
Stay the course Pilgrims! Forward movement! The journey continues...
Wishes of Light, Love, & Longevity to you all.
-CM